Things That Go Bump (or Deafening Siren or Clank) in the Night

Last week the night the cold front came through my bladder woke me up.  (Not unusual!) After returning to bed, I noticed how windy it had become.  Soon after that our home alarm system went off!  I immediately knew that the wind had blown open the back door.  It's happened before (in the daytime!), and I told Paul to check for that first.  Sure enough, the still-locked back door was open.  Paul closed the door, turned off the alarm, checked just to make sure it was only the wind, and went back to sleep.  I, however, spent a few sleepless hours worrying about burglars.  Because I have a totally-unfounded but lifelong fear of burglars breaking in my home when I'm sleeping.   Don't know where it came from, but it's REAL!

So, even though my mind knew the wind had blown the door open, even though I have seen the wind open the door several times before (in the daytime!), and even though I looked around our house just to check, my fear was screaming, "Burglar!" at me.  My mind said that I would surely hear someone walking on our laminate floors (I can even hear the cat walking if the heat isn't on!); my fear said, "What if they're really quiet?"  My mind said that an intruder would leave when they heard the alarm shrieking; my fear said, "What if they didn't?"  My husband reassured me that no one was in our home; my fear said, "What if they were hiding?"  The dog reinforced my fear by being more restless in her kennel than she's ever been.  My mind told me she was restless because of the wind, but, of course, my fear said - you guessed it- "Burglar!"

By the light of day the next day, my fears seemed silly and overblown, but they had been very real to me in the dark.

A few nights ago, as I began to drift off to sleep, I heard a clanking noise.  I had never heard it before, and I thought it sounded like someone dropping a heavy metal something on the concrete.  Probably a neighbor.  After an interval I heard it again.  And again.  So, my fear again began shouting, "Burglar!" at me.  I could just picture someone with some sort of crowbar or crowbar-like device ready to bash in my window.  My mind said it was not a burglar, but my fear wasn't buying it!  I finally woke Paul up.  He assured me there was no burglar outside with a crowbar, but, since he hadn't actually heard the noise, my fear was not quieted.  Finally, he heard it and realized it was some noise the heating system was making.  (One neither of us had ever heard before.)  Then I realized that the noise always happened after the heat came on.  And I was able to sleep without fear.

The next morning I felt pretty silly.  My fears seemed so far-fetched in the brightness of the daytime.

As I pondered these silly fears, I realized that so often I voluntarily remain in the dark and allow all sorts of fears to assault me.  Not so much fears about burglars, but fears about things like rejection, being a bad mom, messing up, our church, and on and on it goes.  God's Word is a light to my feet and a lamp for my path, but when I spend little time reading, meditating on, and memorizing it, I am in the dark and more vulnerable to fear.  Jesus is the Light of the World, but when I am not spending time connecting with Him, I am living in the dark.  I want to stay in Jesus and in God's Word, because I know when I do, I will see things much more clearly and be able to refute the baseless fears and worries that sometimes come.  And even those fears and worries that aren't baseless will be no match for my Jesus!

The LORD is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?  ~Psalm 27:1

 

Pop Quiz

God is so good! We returned last night from a short visit with my family. My sister, whose husband is stationed overseas, was back in the States with her daughter for a visit. I enjoyed the time with my family. I enjoyed the climate. I enjoyed the scenery I grew up with. I enjoyed the fireflies. I enjoyed eating at restaurants we don't have where we now live. And I enjoyed the test.

Yes, there was a test. Not the written variety. Not an oral test. But a test from God Himself. He gave me a few opportunities to fall back into the approval pit, and I didn't! It's all God's doing. Sometimes I had just recognized the temptation to worry about something when I felt God's Spirit remind me that I had been delivered from such things, and that I didn't have to think that way anymore! And He gave me the strength to choose to think differently.

I count this test as a blessing. It was totally for my benefit. God already knew my heart. But He wanted me to know my heart. To know that when confronted with the people whose approval has been important to me the longest, that I could confidently walk in Christ and not worry about what I think they might be thinking. Not that there were any major problems or conflicts, but having that many people in one house can lead to minor issues. In my pit days years even these normal, minor things would have set me to fretting and feeling bad. But this time I was able to walk in freedom from worry or condemnation (even self-condemnation!).

God even gave an extra credit test! During our visit Paul learned of a family situation that required our help. In the past, this would have bothered me. I would have whined (in my heart if not out loud). I would have been resentful. (My reasoning would have gone something like this: "Why is this our responsibility? Why is he willing to go to this trouble or expense for someone else when he doesn't spend time doing X (whatever it is I've been wanting him to do) or spend the money on Y (some extra thing I happen to want at the moment)? It's not fair!" But this time I was able to discuss the situation without being defensive (I think). I was able to support him in his decision.

None of this is to brag on me. It's all to brag on God! He is so faithful! He rescued me out of the pit, and keeps me from slipping back in! And He graciously shows me the extent of His grace and deliverance! He gives new assurances of His love and faithfulness every day! All I have to do is look!

To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. ~Jude 24-25

Drama

I've noticed that when women get together drama often ensues. I don't really know why, but I've seen it time and time again. For some of us, the desire for approval causes us to see each unintentional slight, each difference of opinion as a personal affront and evidence that we are somehow unworthy. Some of us have difficulty handling conflict, so we either avoid it or are so nervous that we come across wrong. Some of us, in a desire to feel understood or important, share unflattering things about other women with our friends. Maybe my sample population is really unusual - I hope it is- but female drama seems very common.

And the drama starts young. In a house full of girls, I see it as they interact with each other, but it is even clearer when young friends play together. Today my girls played with several friends and, of course, drama made its appearance. Sometimes my girls initiated the drama, sometimes they escalated it, and sometimes they were uninvolved. And this wasn't an isolated incident. I have seen girls manipulate, lie, cry, pout, and throw fits in order to control the situation or control each other.

And I've seen grown women do the same things in "socially acceptable" ways. Why? Why do we make mountains out of molehills? Why do we gravitate toward drama? Two reasons that are true for me are insecurity and control, and they are both related. I am often insecure in my relationships. I have seldom been secure enough in my relationship to God to really be OK if someone doesn't like me. (And not everyone will.) I'm often not secure enough to be myself and let God bring me into healthy friendships. And I am insecure with other women. I fear rejection. I fear that a difference of opinion means a dislike of who I am. So I take things personally. I blow things out of proportion. I just give up.

And out of this insecurity grows control. If I don't call her, don't invite her over, don't initiate a conversation, she can't hurt me. I've shut myself out, but I didn't give her the power to hurt me. Or I become who I think she wants me to be. I agree with her opinions, act the way I think she wants me to act, and pretend my way through the relationship. It's my way of controlling, of making sure she'll be my friend. But still I fear that if she knew who I really am that she would not be my friend.

Getting out of my pit was the first step in my establishing healthy relationships. But I have to continue to reach out, to be lovingly real, and to choose to let Jesus be my ultimate source of affirmation, acceptance, and love. To know that since He loves me I am worthy. To know that no rejection (real or perceived) can make me any less valuable in God's eyes. I need to know that HE IS ENOUGH!

I think as long as we are on this earth we will be exposed to some amount of drama, but I pray that God will continue to grow my love for and knowledge of Him that I am secure in Him. I pray that He will give me the maturity, discernment, wisdom, and love to not initiate the drama and not to escalate the drama initiated by others, but to be a minister of reconciliation and to give grace to all who hear me!

Now all these things are from God, Who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. ~2 Cor. 5:18

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.
~Eph. 4: 29

Unexpected Release

When I sensed that God had released me from the pit, there were many things I expected to think & feel - and I did. Freedom to be who God made me without worrying about if other people will accept me and approve of me. No more feeling like everyone secretly dislikes me. Peace.

But there were aspects to my pit I didn't know about. And now that I'm free, I see how free I am.

Paul has had to work late every day this week. Normally I would feel upset about it. And deep down I would feel like he cared about work more than he cared about me or our family. I would fight these feelings, sometimes successfully, sometimes not, but they were definitely there. But this week has been different. No feeling unimportant. No accusing phone calls. ("You said you would be home an hour ago! Where are you?) No feeling sorry for myself. No anger. I was peaceful and supportive even when it wasn't convenient (having to pick up a daughter from ballet when I hadn't planned for it). None of my new response has anything to do with me. It's all from God. Because He pulled me out of my pit, I no longer fear and compete with my husbands' work. God does so many amazing things...even when we don't expect them!

The Pits

God pulled me out of the pit last weekend. My pit wasn't a small ditch that I'd only been in a short time, but a massive below-ground network that I had lived in for over 20 years. It didn't start out that big, but other people and I kept adding to it.

I was initially thrown in over 20 years ago, when I was 10. My fifth-grade year the girls in my class began excluding and ostracizing me. I still don't know what motivated them. This began a three and a half year season of rejection, teasing, and exclusion. Not that I never had any friends during that time. I had several people who were friends for a short time, but moved on after a while. In the midst of this, my pit was deepened by my parents' divorce. My response to the pit of rejection was fear of rejection and an almost desperate desire for people to like me.

God changed my circumstances when I was in the eighth grade. A group of nice girls befriended me, and we remained friends through high school. That year was also the year I accepted Jesus as my Savior. We were at a new church, and I began to have a few friends there, in addition to my school friends. (I went to school in a small town outside the larger town where I attended church.) But even though my circumstances changed, my fear of rejection and my unhealthy desire for others' approval remained. My pit may not have been as deep, but I still was living in it.

I added to my pit, too. I did things that were sinful and foolish in order to try to obtain the approval of others. So then I had a pit of fear, need for approval, sin, and regret. I also added pride to the mix. I was so mad at myself for my actions and really believed that I could have and should have done better! (Not Christ in me, but just me.)

God finally closed off the regret and the most obvious pride by impressing on me that I can do nothing operating in my own strength. I now realize that the only way I would have made wiser decisions would be to totally rely on Christ's power, not my own!

But over 20 years later, I still lived in the pit of fear of rejection and desperation for their approval. My husband would tell me to get over it, but I never could. I now realize it's because only God can pull me out of a pit.

Last weekend I went to Living Proof Live. From the first line of the first song, God reached down and began pulling me out. By the end of Friday night, I knew I was FREE! I can't explain how He did it and don't fully understand it, but I KNOW that He pulled me out! I pray daily that I won't slip back in! He is faithful! PRAISE HIM!